My Fair Zelda
by iloveromance
Summary: Despite her love for him, Dobie wants nothing to do with Zelda, but when a new boy at school steals her heart, he begins to have second thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: This is for Billie, for your encouragement and for providing me with material to write this story, along with the inspiration from your amazing Dobie Gillis story. I hope you enjoy this and that it was worth waiting for.  
**_

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Take it from me, Dobie Gillis... High school is a pain! Believe me, I know...I've spent plenty of time there!

Central High School is filled with all sorts of people... There are pranksters, bullies, overachievers... and those are just the teachers!

Teachers are a puzzling sort; always praising you for work you've done well and then wanting you to work even harder.

If I wanted that sort of treatment, I'd spend all day at Gillis Grocery; the store that my father owns. He's forever trying to get me to stay there and help him do the work that he clearly doesn't want to do.

But that's a parent for you... Why he's almost as bad as the teachers!

This brings me to my point...

While teachers and parents are completely confusing, Girls are an entirely different story.

No matter what I do, I just can't figure them out. And trust me... I've been trying my whole life.

Sure, they're young, smart, sophisticated and beautiful, but aside from that they're a complete mystery to me.

Now, I'm no expert when it comes to girls, but sometimes I wish they were more like guys, you know?

Guys read comic books and watch sports... typical guy things that you'd expect them to do.

But not girls...

One minute they're complaining because they have too many boyfriends, so they push them away. And then when the guy finally takes the hint and leaves, the girls start complaining because they have no boyfriend. I just don't get it.

Yep, girls are a complete mystery to me.

And the biggest mystery of all is Thalia Menninger.

Thalia is the love of my life. She's the most perfect girl I've ever laid eyes on. Perfect figure, blonde hair, blue eyes. She's beautiful, and the most wonderful person I've ever encountered.

So why aren't I with her and why am I sitting in this park talking to a statue of The Thinker?

I'll tell you why...

As much as it hurts to do it.

For one thing, Thalia won't give me the time of day.

Actually that's not true. She did give me the time... Once.

We were walking down the hall side by side; her blonde hair shining beneath the fluorescent lights and she looked so beautiful that I just couldn't help myself. I turned to her and said...

"Thalia, I know we're still in high school but I love you. Will you marry me?"

Of course, at the exact moment I opened my mouth, the bell sounded and kids began to scramble through the hallways, nearly knocking her to the ground.

And before I could rescue my one true love and receive an answer to my impromptu proposal (which was completely sincere by the way... I would marry her in a heartbeat.), Milton Armitage appeared and once again became Thalia's hero.

The bell rang again and all I could do was stand there and stare at her. That's when she looked at the gold watch on her porcelain wrist and then into my eyes.

"Dobie, what are you doing standing there? It's almost 10:45! You're going to be late for Mr. Pomfritt's English class!"

Funny how something as trivial as being given the time of day could make my heart soar.

Perhaps there was hope for me yet.


	2. Chapter 2

"Like hi!"

At the sight of my friend who slid into the seat behind me, I groaned.

Maynard G. Krebs was the best buddy a guy could have but at that moment I was not in the mood for him.

All I wanted was to somehow try to get through the rest of the day, so that I could go home and think of a way to get Thalia to fall in love with me.

It couldn't be too hard. She'd been in love with every other guy in school, so she was bound to get to me eventually. I was just trying to speed things up.

Finally in a moment of desperation (or pure insanity-I haven't exactly figured out which), I turned in my seat to face my buddy.

"Maynard, can I ask you something?"

He looked at me blankly and I rolled my eyes.

"Well?" I finally said.

"Well what?"

"Can I ask you or not?"

"I guess so, as long as it's not too hard of a question. I didn't' study last night."

My hand covered my eyes in embarrassment. "Maynard, I'm not going to grade you! I just want your opinion!"

"On what?"

"I'm gettin' ready to tell ya!"

"Tell me what?"

I was two seconds from having a midlife crisis, which meant that by the time I turned thirty, I was going to be in big trouble.

But determined not to lose my patience, I forced myself to remain calm.

"Let me explain this as simply as possible. I-."

My explanation was interrupted by the sudden appearance of our English teacher, Mr. Pomfritt.

"Good morning students! I hope you're ready for another day of learning!"

There was a collective groan from the class, but can you blame them? It was bad enough that I couldn't manage to find a girl at Central High, but now I had to learn something too?

Unbelievable!

Sadly when it came to girls like Thalia Menninger, I was practically invisible. Or maybe I should make that ALL girls. Out of every girl in school, how was it possible that I couldn't manage to find a single one?

Well, one I actually _wanted _anyway...


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello Dobie."

The voice in my ear nearly made me jump out of my skin and I turned around, still shaking like a leaf.

"ZELDA! Must you always do that?"

I wasn't at all sorry for the irritation in my voice. This had been going on for far too long and it was high time I put a stop to it. If not, I was surely going to be forced to leave school to spend the afternoon in the emergency room at the hospital.

But come to think of it, that might not be such a bad thing.

When I returned my attention to Zelda she was staring at me, as though deep in thought.

"What's wrong now?"

"Nothing. I was just trying to think of an answer to your question."

"Um, what question?"

"You said 'Must you always do that?' and my answer is _yes_. I must."

"But _why_?" I hissed.

"Because I love you."

Oh brother, this was getting worse and worse all the time!

And despite the fact that Mr. Pomfritt was still speaking, at that moment all I cared about was setting Zelda Gilroy straight.

Because just between you and I, she didn't seem "all there" if you know that I mean.

"Zelda, that's ridiculous, you can't go around saying that you love me!"

But she simply ignored my logic and shrugged.

"Well, why not?"

"Why not?" I practically yelled. "Because it's impossible, that's _why not_!"

She shrugged again. "But why?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and believe me, it was uncomfortable!

"Zelda, you can't be in love with me! We're in high school for one thing and another thing, we barely know each other!"

"I didn't say I was in love with you, Dobie. I said I love you. There's a big difference!"

This girl was getting stranger by the minute and suddenly I wished that a powerful force would knock me out of my seat and send me flying across the room. But the way things were progressing, I knew that the first person at my side would be Zelda.

Perhaps I could develop a sudden illness that left me hanging onto my life by a thread.

No... That's no good either, because I know without a doubt that Zelda would be at my death bed, pleading for me to stay.

So here I was stuck in Mr. Pomfritt's English class subjected to confessions of psychotic love from this strange girl who sat behind me.

"Okay, Zelda... So you love me but you're not in love with me. How is there a difference?"

"It doesn't matter how. Love is love and there's no sense in analyzing it. You should just be happy when someone says that they love you. Because believe me, Dobie... the only time you're going to hear it is from me. No one else would want you."

"WELL I'M NOT HAPPY!" I yelled.

Mr. Pomfritt stopped talking and stared at us.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Gillis and Miss Gilroy?"

I felt my face becoming as read as Mr. Pomfritt's tie.

"Um... No problem whatsoever, Mr. Pomfritt. Please, go on with your lesson. Zelda here was just-."

"I was telling Dobie that I love him."

When the class erupted into laughter, my body went cold, although not cold enough for the morgue, which is where I wanted to be. Either that or in a hole that led all the way to China.

But somehow that didn't seem far enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Several minutes later, Mr. Pomfritt had calmed the class down enough to speak, but I was more humiliated than ever. Even Maynard was laughing! And he was my buddy!

I daringly glanced at my darling Thalia and to my dismay, she was laughing as well. I could see her dainty hand over her perfect lips and that musical laugh that never failed to brighten my day.

But now her laughter was drowned out by 20 other kids, all laughing at me. ME! Dobie Gillis! What was so funny about me?

Instead of focusing on my humiliation I stared at my heavenly angel, imagining that she was laughing at a clever joke I had told. Had it been Thalia who had told me that she loved me, I would have been floating on air.

Ahh... Dear, sweet, lovable, greedy Thalia.

Always there for me whenever I needed her.

Not in the romantic sense of course (unless you count my dreams) but whenever I need ed a glimpse of an angel, all I had to do was walk into Charlie Wong's Ice Cream Parlor and there she was... a breath of fresh air. I would walk up to her and say-

"MR GILLIS!"

Well, that couldn't be right.

A figure approached and I slowly raised my head to find Mr. Pomfritt standing before me; his arms crossed in front of his body. And believe me, he didn't look happy.

Uh ohhh...

Now my most humiliating moment of having Zelda Gilroy announce her love for me had been replaced by a different kind of humiliation; Educational.

The bell rang and the students shot out of their desks as though the building was on fire.

But they'd barely gotten to their feet when...

"Not so fast, class. Sit down!"

Everyone obeyed Mr. Pomfritt's orders and for some reason they all looked at me. What did I do?

The room was eerily silent except for the faint humming of an airplane outside of our classroom window. And I had the strangest urge to jump.

If someone found me lying on the grass with two broken legs it would be far less humiliating than what was going on in Mr. Pomfritt's English class.

At least I'd be unconscious.

"Because Mr. Gillis has so graciously wasted precious time, time that could have been used for me to present my lesson in full, I have no choice but to change my proposed homework assignment. Instead of writing an essay on how William Shakespeare's writings would translate into today's society, I'd like to touch on what Miss Gilroy and Mr. Gillis were talking about earlier; the subject of love."

My eyes widened and my mouth went dry. Perhaps I didn't need to jump out the window after all... I could just die peacefully right here.

"Now, I want each and every one of you to write an essay on what you think love is; be it romantic love or some other kind of love, such as love for a family member or pet... or even something else, like a song, or a movie."

His last words were directed at me and it was all I could do not to look him in the eye.

"And I want it in your hand first thing Monday morning. They will be graded on punctuality, originality and neatness. Class dismissed."

Monday morning? Did he get some kind of pleasure in ruining my weekend? And how in the heck was I supposed to explain what love is? I was just a kid!  
I was still contemplating this very idea when I realized that I was the only one left in the classroom and I headed for the door.

"Mr. Gillis?"

I froze in the doorway and turned around to find Mr. Pomfritt gesturing me to come closer.  
I approached his desk, feeling like a murder suspect about to receive his sentence.

"Yes, Mr. Pomfritt?"

"I trust that the outburst you had in my class today won't happen again?"  
I lowered my head in shame. "No sir."

"Fine. You're dismissed."

"Thank you sir."

As soon as I turned to leave the room I saw Zelda standing out in the hallway smiling at me.

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"I was waiting for you."

"Zelda you don't have to do that. What about your next class?"

"I don't care. I love you and I'm willing to wait for you... for as long as it takes."

"I have to go." I said brushing past her.

"You love me, Dobie. You just don't know it yet." She yelled down the hallway, causing my face to redden.

"Oh I know it, all right!" I yelled. "I know that I _don't_ love you, Zelda."

At first I was afraid that I had embarrassed her, although I wondered why I even cared. And I was even going to apologize, but then she scrunched up her nose and shut her eyes, causing me to do the same.

I wished I could take it back, boy how I wished I could take it back! But then she said;

"See, I told you that you love me, Dobie!"

"It's just a reflex!" I yelled, suddenly realizing that I was yelling to an empty hallway.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello boys! How was school today?"

For the first time since I could remember, I was more anxious to start helping out at my father's grocery store than I was about being at school. At least here I could hide in the pantry and know that I wouldn't be missed for several hours. At school if I disappeared, Zelda always managed to find me; usually when I didn't want to be found!

"Hello, Mrs. Gillis." Maynard said in that politely annoying way of his. "School was great! You won't believe what happened!"

I groaned at his enthusiasm. "Maynard, _nothing _happened at school today, remember? _Absolutely_ _nothing_!"

"Are you kidding? It was great! Zelda Gilroy told the whole class that she loves you! Don't you remember?"

I gave Maynard the most disgusted look I could muster. "No, I don't."

"Well, first she said-."

"I _know_ what she said, Maynard! I was there!" I yelled, coming dangerously close to yet another nervous breakdown. I could feel my face turning several shades of red, and believe me it couldn't have been attractive!

"Oh don't be embarrassed, dear! Zelda's a sweet girl! It's only natural-."

"Mom, she's a pain, okay?" I yelled, startling even myself. "She's... Well, she's annoying and... Isn't that enough? Wherever I go there she is! And no matter how many times I try to get rid of her, she always comes crawling back!"

"Well dear then maybe it's a sign!"

I hated rolling my eyes at my dear, sweet, wonderful mother, who brought me into this world. But it was the only way I could think of to get my point across. Luckily for me (and my health), she didn't seem to notice-and neither did my father.

"Why can't there be another sign?" I pondered out loud, making a sweeping gesture in the air with my hand. "A sign that says _Dobie and Thalia, together forever_!"

And just as I expected, my mother gave an annoying sigh. "Oh Dobie, you're not still pining away for Thalia Menninger, are you?"

"What's wrong with Thalia?" I yelled, louder than I meant to. "She's beautiful, sweet, intelligent..."

"Doesn't know you exist." Maynard finished.

"Oh, she knows I exist all right. I've given her plenty of reasons to!" I countered. "But she just won't listen to reason when I tell her that we are meant to be together!"

"Dobie can't you give Zelda a chance?" My mother asked in that pleading tone of hers. The voice that made it impossible for me to say no. If I hadn't loved Winifred Gillis so much, I would have flat out refused to associate with Zelda. But when I looked into my mother's eyes, I said the only thing a guy could say.

"All right. I'll do it. I'll stop being so sore at her. And if she wants to tell everyone that she loves me, well... then it's all right with me! In fact, I'll embrace it! From now on, I, Dobie Gillis, am going to give Zelda Gilroy anything her heart desires; flowers, candy, romance." I hadn't meant to go that far but I couldn't help myself. And my mother was ecstatic.

"Oh Dobie that's wonderful! Zelda will be absolutely thrilled. She thinks you're such a sweet boy-and you are!"

I recoiled slightly at the closeness in which my mother hugged me, but I didn't dare pull away. "It's all right, Mom. I love ya and I'll do anything to make you happy."

"I love you too, Dobie. And you won't be sorry."

Now I dreaded the thought of going to school more than ever. Silently I prayed for a sudden case of tonsillitis that would render me speechless and unable to attend class at Central High. But of course that wasn't going to happen; not without a miracle from God.

So instead I picked up my books and headed to my room where I was determined to pour my heart out for the girl I truly loved. Mr. Pomfritt would be so impressed with my essay that he'd forget all about what had happened in class today.

And maybe, just maybe Zelda would be so shocked that she'd finally decide to leave me alone.

One could only hope.


End file.
